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Establish a Space for Cooperation

  • Avoid arguments: you can only lose.
    • Most arguments end with each contestant more certain of their opinions and less willing to change them.
    • Even if you win, you hurt the pride of the loser and the loser may resent you for it.
        “If you argue, rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory, because you will never get your opponent’s good will.” – Ben Franklin
    • A Guide to avoiding arguments:

      • 1. Welcome disagreements. .
      2. Stay calm.
      3. Listen first. Hear others out.
      4. Identify areas of agreement.
      5. Admit your errors to make it easier for others to admit theirs.
      6. If no there is resolution to be found, delay action and promise to explore the alternative perspective further.

  • Begin in a friendly way.
    • Opening conversations with sincere praise, appreciation and/or sympathy will disarm your conversation partner.
    • Beginning with a friendly tone will free the others to be more open minded.
    • Example: One fellow who couldn’t afford his rent increase invited his landlord over for the closing inspection. The tenant complimented the landlord on the building’s location, good management and gave the landlord a sympathetic ear for his problems with other tenants. After only casually mentioning he couldn’t afford the increased rent, the landlord reduced the rent without having been asked directly.
  • Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
    • Especially when angry, allow others to finish talking themselves out.
    • Don’t interrupt. Others won’t pay attention to you until they’ve had thier own say.
  • Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
    • Most people hunger for sympathy.
    • Sympathize truthfully: “If I were you, I’d feel the same way under your circumstances.” Follow up statements might be:
      • “How could they do that to you?”
      • “You poor thing.”
      • “After you sacrificed so much.”
    • Example: A hotel had to inconvenience their guests as the escalator repaired for 8 hours. In order to get the hotel manager to consent to the repairs, the repair company reclassified their work as preventative maintenance that would prevent a eventual two week shut down in the future.
  • Respect others’ opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
    • People don’t like to admit even to themselves that may be wrong, but when handled gentlely they can overcome that hesitancy.
    • Telling others they are wrong:
      • may be considered a putdown to their intelligence.
      • often pushes them to defend and further embrace their positions.
    • Body language can also communicate "you’re wrong."
    • Don’t immediately assume you’re right. Demonstrating your willingness to rationally examine the facts will inspire others to do likewise.
  • If you are wrong, admit it quickly and dramatically.
    • If another is about to criticize you, don’t let them start!
      • People often enjoy criticizing others to promote their own righteousness. Once started, the other party may expand their critique to include unrelated subject areas.
      • The negative emotions may be long remembered and could damage relationships in the long-term.
    • A harsh self-rebuke may prompt the other party to soften their critique; however, too many exaggerated, harsh self-rebukes will lead the other to question your sincerity.
    • Admitting your errors clears guilt and frees everyone to move toward solutions more quickly.
  • Try to honestly see things from the other person's point of view.
    • Understanding another’s point of view and motivation is the key to understanding their decisions and personality.
    • Ask yourself:
      • Why would someone want to do as I ask?
      • Is there some point of information we are interpreting differently?
    • Example: A group of boy scouts may ignore a no camp fires rule, believing that they can responsibly construct and put out a camp fire safely. A park ranger could demand the group adhere to the rules, but would get better results by acknowledging the scouts’ point of view.  He could point out that while the scouts know what they’re doing, other groups are not as careful. The scouts’ fires could lead irresponsible people to start fires as well.
  • Frame requests in terms of what others find motivating.
    • Before attempting to drive someone to action, ask yourself, “How do I make this person want to do it?”
        • “If there is any one secret to success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own.” – Henry Ford
    • Example: Rather than force his young son to go to kindergarten, one man’s family began engaging in kindergarten activities – finger painting, etc. – while excluding the young child. After seeing all the exciting things he would be doing in kindergarten, the child was eager to go.
    • Example: In the following letter, a freight company details their difficulties, while disregarding the inconvenience their changes might cause their customers. After having the reverse effect from what was intended, a second letter was sent, which spoke in terms of what were the customers’ best interests.


Example: Letter Comparison

Original Letter


Gentlemen:

The operations at our outbound-rail-receiving station are handicapped because a material percentage of the total business is delivered to us in the late afternoon. This condition results in congestion, overtime on the part of our forces, delays to trucks and in some cases delays to freight. On November 10, we received from your company a lot of 510 pieces, which reached here at 4:20 P.M.

We solicit your cooperation toward overcoming the undesirable effects arising form the late receipt of freight. May we ask that, on days on which you ship the volume which was received on the above date, effort be made either to get the truck here earlier or to deliver us part of the freight during the morning.

The advantage would be that of more expeditious discharge of your trucks and the assurance that your business would go forward on the date of its receipt.

Very truly yours,

— Bla Bla

Revised Example Letter

Dear Mr. V,

Your company has been one of our good customers for fourteen years. Naturally, we are very grateful for your patronage and are eager to give you the speedy, efficient service you deserve. However, we regret to say that it isn’t possible for us to do that when your trucks bring us a large shipment late in the afternoon, as they did on November 10. Why? Because many other customer make late afternoon deliveries also. Naturally, that causes congestion. That means your trucks are held up unavoidably at the pier and sometimes even your freight is delayed.

That’s bad, but it can be avoided. If you make your deliveries at the pier in the morning when possible, your trucks will be able to keep moving, your freight will get immediate attention, and our workers will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of the delicious macaroni and noodles that you manufacture.

Regardless of when your shipments arrive, we shall always cheerfully do all in our power to serve you promptly.

You are busy. Please don’t trouble to answer this note.

Yours truly,

— Bla Bla



Closing the Deal

  • Get the other person saying "yes, yes" as soon as possible.
    • Emphasize things all parties already agree on.
    • As Socrates suggested, win one concession after another until, without realizing it, your opponent is forced to agree to a position that would have otherwise been fiercely rejected.
    • In today’s information dense environment, we actively seek to reject proposals and information. Getting others to say yes immediately drives momentum in the direction of acceptance.
  • Dramatize your ideas.
    • It helps to make a visual, visceral demonstration of your ideas:
      • When presenting a competitive assessment of MP3 players, bring the competitors’ products to your meeting.
      • When selling an anti-theft devices for cars, a dramatic video demonstrating the experience of getting one's car stolen will help sales.
  • Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
    • People are more committed to their own ideas. 
    • Make suggestions and let others come to the desired conclusions.
    • It may be in your best interest not to claim any credit.
  • Appeal to the nobler motives.
    • People often have multuple reasons for doing something. At least one will sound good as an external justification. The real reasons may often be hidden. Appeal to the one that sounds good.
    • Example: As a tenant gives notice that he is preparing to break his lease, his landlord praises the tenant’s good character. The landlord insists the tenant is a man of his word and will live up to the terms of the lease he signed.
    • Example 2: A celebrity wanted to avoid having an unflattering photo published. He asked the paper who owned the photo not to publish it, as his mother disliked the picture.
  • Throw down a challenge.
    • Stimulate competition among co-workers.
    • Challenge someone’s capabilities/self-perceptions.
      • To a body builder: “Is he strong enough to get the job done?”
      • To help persuade a job applicant to take the job “This job will require someone really motivated to succeed, it isn’t a position for everyone.”



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